January 01, 2018

The Vulnerable Warrior

JANUARY 1st, 2018

"Something so hard can be easy if you just have a little help. In the right place, under the right conditions, you can finally stretch out into what you're supposed to be." 

Depending on where you look, the most common definition of my first name is Warrior, Warlike, or Mars, the God of War. While there are those who wouldn't dispute these titles (especially those who've been within throwing distance when I'm hungry), 2017 found me at odds with the origins of my name. While I'm very good at going to battle, being the boss(y), even I should ask for help every once in a while. I don't mind telling you, I'm not very good at it, and I don't like it one bit.

Asking for help is not easy for warriors. It requires bravery, not bravado. Our instincts are to be self-reliant, organized, the solvers of our own problems AND YOURS. Just the thought of being vulnerable or, needy, stirs up the energy that only a general can muster when it comes to building a fortress around her or, more commonly, a dazzling offensive line. 

The irony, of course, is that this warrior is attracted to those who are kind and wholehearted. Those people who accept the armour that warriors insist on dragging around like a medieval security blanket, and who patiently wait until we're done fighting with ourselves to step in and kindly maintain the illusion that we're still in charge.

My students and clients are the real brave ones, wearing their vulnerability on their sleeves. They trust me to be the helper who will guide them successfully to their goals; be it getting into music school, or taking the money they've earned with their talents to put a roof over their heads. They are the real warriors, moving forward despite all of the obstacles.

While it may have been a quiet year at The Cardinal's Nest, it wasn't because I didn't have anything to say. On the contrary, I was afraid I'd say too much. The Fall of 2017, however, revealed that while I was holding everything in, some cracks had appeared and were ready to give way. I was forced to stand still and wait for the light to beam through the spaces that I would, eventually, lean into and break apart before surrendering to the inevitable need for some helpers to build them back up again. 

My goal for 2018 (so cliché!) is not only to be a helper, but to allow a few of them into my life, kicking and screaming (me, not the helpers).

If you're a fellow warrior, and even if you're not, may this be the year of taking off the armour every once in a while...

"Each beginning is the end of a waiting. We are each given exactly one chance to BE. Each of us is both impossible and inevitable."